Hugs and Kisses

Last night was Sophie night. It was good AND difficult at the same time. Good in the sense that with each conversation I am blessed to learn a little more about my sweet Sophie, and connect with her in what has to be the seemingly quickest half hour of my week. I love to watch her many expressions on the computer screen and to hear her sweet voice as she sings her favorite songs. Sophie has a quiet tenderness about her that is simply breathtaking and in the very next moment she’ll make a silly face, or become so animated as she speaks, that I find myself totally captivated. I hang on her every word and movement. My heart gets so full during these exchanges, that I find I forget there is a screen between us.

Unfortunately, John was away on business tonight, so he wasn’t able to see her this week. Sophie firmly asked to see and talk with her baba, and was visibly disappointed when she couldn't. With it being summer vacation, Nathan and Owen are staying up later and they really enjoy getting to know their little sister. They each take turns talking with her saying, ‘ni hao mei mei, wo ai ni’ (hello little sister, I love you) and Sophie returns with ‘ni hao gege (big brother), wo ai ni’. My mom and dad are here for a visit again, so Sophie was able to talk with her grandparents as well. Oh, she definitely has them totally smitten with their first grand daughter:-).

Sophie was in a very loving mood tonight. She kept wanting to give hugs and kisses through the camera. It was precious to see her hold out her arms for a hug and pucker her lips toward the camera. My mom had a hard time with this conversation, as you could visibly see how much Sophie yearns for real hugs and kisses from her forever family. Sophie kept saying to my mom, “I want you to come closer, closer…”, as she tried to kiss and hug the camera. My mom had to eventually turn away because she couldn’t hold back the tears any more. If you could have seen Sophie’s face as she looked at my mom, deep into the camera, it was as if she truly believed that if she could get close enough she could feel the warm kiss and embrace of her grandmother through the screen. Her innocence and hope was so powerful, and the unfairness of having to settle for a hug and kiss through a computer screen, became emotionally overwhelming for us all. (As I write this, I quickly remember how much more we are given than most adoptive parents, and I do feel guilty for what I am feeling. Please endulge and forgive me, I just want to be honest with my feelings at this point).

I am reminded of the resilience these children have that I can only attribute to His grace as He protects their tender hearts as they wait for their families. Tonight, I truly saw my daughter’s heart. I think of all that my dear child has been through in her short time on earth, and I’m honestly left wondering how she has not only survived emotionally, but how she has retained the abundant and genuine love she has in her heart. Of course, I am forever indebted to New Day for the care and love Sophie has received since being there, and the positive difference they have made in her life. Although it brings a degree of peace to my heart in knowing she is receiving many hugs and kisses, the unmistakable truth is that NOTHING takes the place of a forever family for these children. I see how ready Sophie is for her family, for us. I see how she accepts the extended wait with acceptance and strength beyond her years, despite the unfairness of it all. Though I fully trust in His timing, and His plan, my heart still aches beyond words to hold her already. The light at the end of the tunnel that we were so close to now seems so far away. Sophie stated again to me that she wanted me to come NOW, and I watched my daughter listen intently to my answer…an answer that I had to literally force through my mouth as I choked back the tears that tried to claim my words.

I promised Sophie we WILL come for you. We’re coming as fast as we can, as soon as we are allowed. We will get on a plane to come get you and then you will get as many hugs and kisses from us as you want ….for REAL….FOREVER. We are your family now, always, even though we are apart. I know it’s hard to wait. It’s hard for us too, but until mama and baba come; please know we think of you every day. We carry you in our hearts and we love you so very much.

Please pray for resolution and peace in her province, so that the many children that wait can be united with their families.

For a brief moment toward the end of the conversation, Sophie turned her head away from the camera. The light hit the side of her beautiful face, and I caught a glimpse of a single tear that hung in the corner of her eye, desperately trying to not run down her cheek. It was as if it wanted to be missed; to not draw attention as to what might be silently going on deep inside her at that moment.

It was time to go.

It was time to for Sophie to join her preschool class, and begin her day....thankfully, filled with activity and blessed with love from caring people to help her endure the wait.

Sophie bravely waved goodbye, blew us kisses and walked away from the computer screen and into her day.

Until we meet, sweet child…remember…God is there, and through all this, He loves you, and always, He is good.